Relationship EncouragingGrowth or Stagnation?
Do you have a relationship this is encouraging growth or stagnation? As you spend time with them are you advancing toward positive changes or are you languishing in further negativity?
This can happen in any relationship. But people who you have some
significant attachment to by way of marriage, romance, family ties, and
friendship have the greatest impact. If you spend a lot of time around a person who is closed minded,
negative, and not interested in
personal development, you’ll likely be the same.
It’s easy to fall into the negative habits, attitudes, and behaviors of those
who you invest your time and heart in. You might not even realize what you
are becoming because so much of your daily life is spent with this person.
After awhile you see the world as they do. I see this with couples who don’t appear to be moving in a any positive
direction. They do the same things day after day. It’s like they
support each other's negative patterns of non growth and closed mindedness.
They end up strengthening each other’s weaknesses, fears, and unhealthy
behaviors. They are like two parasites feeding off each other until
there’s nothing left except an empty shell.
A good example of an unproductive relationship is couples, friends, or
relatives who live their lives through the actors, athletes, and celebrities
they constantly watch on television and in
the news. And they do this while stuffing their faces with unhealthy
foods and (alcoholic) beverages because there are oblivious to the damage it
causing to their health. They are ignorant because they are afraid to face the truth.
Those who eat lavish unhealthy meals while never taking the time to exercise
will tell you, “I want to enjoy my life.” They tell you this while they
are taking a long drag off their cigarette. Being
unwilling to learn anything new, they are completely unaware of how much they
could be truly enjoying their life if they ate healthy foods, exercised daily,
and gave up bad habits
like smoking.
Their idea of enjoying life is ignoring the truth, feeding their addiction,
forgoing exercise, and eating whatever brings them pleasure. There is no
doubt that it would be a challenge to lead a positive change in a relationship
where one person in so fixated on the myth that “Ignorance is bliss.” That
is until they can’t get out of bed because of heart disease or cancer. Then there’s the relationship where both parties feed off of each other’s
negative thinking and behavior patterns. One of them talks about how bad
everything is and how everyone is at fault except them and the other person
agrees. Then they switch. This becomes their standard communication
pattern. This type of relationship is an even more sinister than those I mentioned
above because they’re damaging both their mental and physical health.
Another relationship style that hinders growth is those where one person wants to be pulled toward positive changes and the other wants to be pushed. One person is motivated by encouragement, support, and optimistic forecasts. The other person is motivated by hard cold facts, acts of tough love, and pessimistic projections. When they try to help each other, both of them truly believe that they are doing their best, but their opposite approaches do more damage than good. They must recognize this difference and adjust their approach or their relationship is doomed. If you come to realize that there are better ways of living, you really only have a few choices concerning your relationship. Here they are.
The trouble with many relationships is that they are usually firmly established early on. It’s hard to renegotiate a relationship after you’ve been interacting in a certain way for years. It’s better to go through the uneasiness of teaching people how you expect to be treated and who you are as person up front. In order to establish new behavioral patterns in your relationships, you may need to take a break from those that are incongruent with who you are and how you want to interact. The break might be an emotional or physical separation or both. What’s important is that your close relationships uplift rather than depress
you, encourage you rather than critique you, and challenge you rather than spoil
you. Those that bring you down in anyway are simply not worth your time
and effort. I wrote a book entitled, "Finding the One Who’s Right," which is about identifying, finding, and building a relationship with your perfect partner. When I was writing this book, I thought about how it’s just as important to your happiness to carefully pick your friends. Why shouldn’t we put forth a similar effort to find friends who are a good match for us as we do a lover? I think we should. The process could be as precise as I describe in my book about identifying the attributes and characteristics that you want most in a mate and apply it to friendships. Do you do have a definitive description of the type of people you joy being
around? I am not talking about a vague idea like, “I enjoy people who are
into football or cooking.” I am talking about a list of characteristics
that represent people who would be in alignment with your personality and goals.
It’s unlikely that you’ll end up with the kind of friends who are best for you
if you don’t have a clear idea of what you want. I made a list somewhat like this when I wrote the article entitled, “Rules of Friendship.” I defined those rules for three reasons: (1) To identify the qualities I wanted in my friends, (2) to give myself a reputation to live up to since I was the author, and (3) to share this rare information. That article has been one of my most popular by far! I assume from its popularity that people want higher quality friendships. If you want to identify the qualities that are the most important to you in friendships, you could adapt the guidelines in an article I wrote entitled, ”How to Find Love With a Person Who's Right for You.“ This article roughly describes the process in my book, “Finding the One Who’s Right.” I wrote another book featuring a non-confrontational written communication method for couples entitled, “The Couple’s Review,” which I believe would be useful in other relationships too, with some modifications. The book guides a couple in a written communication activity using a Partner-Relationship Appraisal instrument. This instrument along with some ground rules, leads the couple in evaluating a comprehensive list of relationship issues, rating each one, and then offering suggestions in writing and later in-person on how they can improve. This communication method would be particularly valuable in binding
relationships like parent/child, teacher/student, boss/subordinate, and
coach/athlete, but it would also be useful in close friendships. Both
friends would have to appreciate the value of relationship refinement in order
for it to work. This is important because most friendships are not bound
by blood, ethics, or contracts so they can be easily ended without recourse.
The purpose of “The Couple’s Review” is to facilitate a fair and accurate
communication exchange. A similar process could be accomplished for any
relationship by following the steps in an article that roughly describes the
method entitled, “Couple’s
Communication Without Confrontation!”
There’s a unhealthy tendency that we often fall into in our relationships. And it’s often the last issue considered when it comes to discussions about relationship problems. It’s our inclination to see that it’s the other person’s responsibility to figure out how to treat us like we want, make us happy, and make us feel motivated. Well it’s not their responsibility, it’s yours! It’s your responsibility to take a stand and “clearly” communicate how you expect to be treated, what you want and don’t want, and what inspires you and what doesn’t. Ultimately, however, the responsibly for your happiness and motivation is completely yours. This does not mean that it’s your responsibility to tell them how they should live their life, unless their behavior “directly” impacts you. They are responsible for their own life regardless of whether you understand or agree with their chosen path or not. *** It’s your choice who you invest your time and heart with and how much you give of each. Choose wisely. Brad Paul
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