Toxic Relationships

Part II

In this article, I am going to discuss this issue from a slightly different point of view.  I am also going to compare a toxic relationship with a healthy relationship.  It would be to your advantage to read Part I first.

Toxic relationships occur in various degrees of severity.  In other words, some are more damaging than others are.  But all of them can hinder your progress toward the person you want to be or the life you want to have.

Toxic relationships deplete your energies on unproductive activities like arguing, debating, emotional dueling, competing, and manipulating.  These activities are a complete waste of time.   In my article entitled, “9 Ways to Reduce Stress by Simplifying Your Style,” I get into more detail about this.

Toxic relationships are sometimes difficult to identify.  The person who is being toxic to you may not be a bad person.  He or she may not even realize that they are being toxic.  Or it may just be a matter of bad chemistry. 

Imagine these two scenarios.

Group A is comprised of individuals who support, encourage, and inspire you. 

Group B is comprised of several individuals from Group A and one or two people who criticize, discourage, and demoralize you.

The negative individuals in Group B can really weigh you down and hold you back from reaching your goals and creating the life you want.  Clearly you would have a much greater chance of achieving your dreams if Group A was your inter-circle. 

If you find yourself with a Group B inter-circle, than you’ll need to do some relationship nurturing, reshaping, pruning, or uprooting. 

Nurturing means that you look at what actions you could take to create a positive relationship.  This may involve taking an honest look at whether you have contributed to it being a toxic relationship by any means.

Reshaping is about is about taking a stand on your boundaries and/or presenting your concerns in writing or in person if the problem is more complex or severe.

Pruning is about cutting toxic relationships out of your inter-circle and/or communication channels.

Uprooting is about removing toxic relationships from your life entirely. 

So what constitutes a toxic relationship.  I feel it depends on how much toxic affect the person has on you!  For example, one person may be unaffected by a person who is aggressive, opinionated, and competitive.   Whereas another person would be poisoned by this behavior due to their personality and/or experiences.

The most important aspect of a relationship’s toxic affect on you is the underlining motivations of the other person.   In my experience, these negative motivations are often subconscious.  The person is not aware that their actions are toxic or even abusive.  Or they justify their behavior in some way or another.  They may see it as helpful, dutiful, or inline with their religious, political, or professional beliefs.  For example, if they work in the field of psychology they may act as diagnostician in their relationships rather than as friend.  If the other person in this relationship rejects the notion of psychotherapy and antidepressants as being a pathway to success then their interactions will likely be toxic.

For the purposes of clarity, let’s compare the differences between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship in terms of how you are treated by the other person.  NOTE: It is best to read them line by line, left to right, as each line is a comparison to the other column.

If you are in a toxic relationship of any degree, nurture it, reshape it, prune it, or uproot it.  You’ll be much happier and more productive.

Here's Toxic Relationships - Part I if you haven't read it.

Brad Paul

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